Oh dear me, I haven't written in quite some time again...Haha, I know one of my goals for 2o1o was to blog more, and so far...I'm not doing so well in this area!
It's been almost over a month since my last post and well, needless to say, A LOT has happened in that month. I believe January was one of the hardest months for me to get through. My fears of being abandoned again, being cheated on, and being lied to consumed my innermost being. Fear and anxiety were the only feelings I had and I was choosing to live in this. I was choosing to believe the lies the enemy was feeding me, until I hit rock bottom and new deep down in my heart that I needed to see a counselor. So...hesitantly, I called the counselor James' mom had referred me to and set up my first appointment. Filled with nerves and tension, I poured my heart out to this lady and you know what? Just after the first time of meeting with her, this burden I had been carrying around since I was 10 years old was lifted off me and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel! It was the most incredible feeling I had ever felt. Freedom was right in my grasp and I went after it wholeheartedly. Since then, I have met with her again and that much more weight was lifted off me. And I will continue to meet with her until everything in my heart and mind has been worked through and processed.
It had been 7 months since everything happened with my Mom and for those 7 months, I was numb, stuffed my true feelings and hurt, and told myself I was going to get through it and be fine. Heaven forbid that me, Autumn, the girl going to school for Psychology and wanting to be a counselor one day, would actually have to go see a counselor myself. HA! So silly of me. After this experience, I want to be a counselor that much more. I want to see others live in the freedom that I am living in now...freedom from fear and anxieties and the lies. Believe me when I say that I have had my bad days and those fears have come crawling back to me and I've had to spend time in the Word and prayer rebuking the enemy, but it's those days that have made me that much stronger!
Through this whole process, there was a person who I took for granted and treated terribly and who got the brunt of my fears taken out on him. The one person who I was (and am) in complete love with was the one person who I was pushing away by my thoughts, actions, and words. When I hit rock bottom, it was then that I realized what I was doing and the toll it had taken on him and our relationship. I am pleased, blessed, and so thankful to say that James and I have come together, after a couple weeks of absolutely no contacting each other and devoting ourselves to prayer and fasting for our relationship, and both came to the realization that we truly are in love with each other. Healing has began in our hearts towards each other, and it feels like the Lord wiped the slate clean and gave James and I, both, a new, clear perspective of us as individuals and us as a couple. We're not technically "back in a relationship," but we talk everyday, spend time with each other when we can, and are learning to love each other no matter what the days or weeks bring. I know the Lord has amazing things planned for us, but for now, we're taking it one day at a time and I, personally, am loving it :)
So, there's the update on why I hadn't been blogging...too many other things needed to be focused on!
BUT....I do wanted to give you an update about my goals that I had set before me in this new year and I am SO excited to do so, hehe!
1) Spiritually- I have been spending SO much more time with the Lord and it's been AMAZING! Everyday I make sure to spend at least 30 minutes with Him and I see so much growth in my heart and thinking then ever before. I've also read some incredible books so far. One was called How to Forgive...When You Don't Feel Like It and the other one, which I am finishing up this week is called Your Scars Are Beautiful to God. I would suggest both of them to anyone!! Prayer is huge in my life and really is becoming a part of my DNA, just like I wanted it to become. Oh, and Tuesday nights there is a worship and prayer thing called Revival Town at my church that I started going to and that has just added to the amazingness ;) hehe
2) Academic- School is going really well so far. I decided to lighten up my load a lot this semester so I'm only taking two classes. Math is one, and I never thought I would find myself saying this again, but I am thoroughly enjoying it, haha. Crazy! I know! But I am :) And my other class, which I just L-O-V-E so much is my Ballet class. I said I wanted to "expand my horizons" and I think part of me wants to do that so I can also "get out of my comfort zone," so I signed up for Ballet and I do believe that dance will now be a part of every semester for me! I'm being stretched in more ways than one ;) hehe. My body is getting a great workout, but I'm also meeting some very cool, and very interesting people and I love it! I say...everyone should try it at least once.
3) Personal- Well, I did list a lot in this category and I'm very glad I did! There are a lot of areas I am growing in, but still areas I need more work on...but hey! I'm human and the changes I'd like to see won't come over night ;) But I do have 9 months till the end of the year!
4) Health- YAY! I'm eating again! This changed when my fears and anxiety slowly diminished and I'm regaining my appetite! I know so many people were concerned for my health because of my lack of eating (stress does that to me) but now, I'm eating three meals a day, and trying to gain that weight that I lost. Gaining 10 pounds is my goal so that I look healthy again and people stop asking me if I'm anorexic. Haha
5) FUN! FUN! FUN!- Well, one of my goals was to cook a new and challenging recipe once a month. January, I had too much going on, but February, I stepped it up and.....
BON APPETIT!!! Spinach and Feta cheese stuffed chicken breast, brown rice, and a fresh Strawberry salad with a vinaigrette dressing...with a glass of Chardonnay :) It was so delicious! I cooked it for James and I one night and he loved it as well. Yay! My goal for sewing is still in the works. I need to get the sewing machine from Mom and set up a day with my good friend to start this adventure, so I'm guessing the next month or so, I'll have an update on that! Also, the going new places, I'm sure will start up in the Summer :) Pictures...that I need to get in the habit of just pulling my camera out of my purse and snapping away at those memories.
So there ya go....an update on my, what I feel like is, my NEW life :) Please continue to keep my family in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. Blessings to all who read this long and often boring blog ;)
xoxo
