Whatever You're Doing Inside of Me

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out -Sanctus Real


This song has been on my heart and mind for the past weekend. Thursday night, things were said to me by a person that I love more than anything and it was things, that of course, I didn't want to hear. Who wants to hear that their not doing well in certain areas of life? Well, I didn't want to hear it at all. So, in my defense I got upset and yelled and screamed and lashed out in a very inappropriate way, almost losing my relationship. The following two days I spent on my knees in my apartment listening to this song over and over and over again, reading the Word, and crying out to the Lord about these things that I need to change. Personality traits that have really got to go. My prayer went a little something like this....

"Lord, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm failing the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Lord, there are things in me that need changing...my attitude, my negativity, my tone of voice, how I react in situations I don't like. Jesus, transform me into the women, the wife, the mom that you want me to be. Show me how to love like you and to show love through every part of me."

As I was crying my eyes out, this song came on..."Whatever You're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace..." I sang it over and over again, on my knees, "Lord, You're doing things in my and growing me in areas that I don't want to be grown in, and it hurts, and I don't like it, but at the same time, I know You're doing it for a reason and I know that you're transforming me into the woman you want me to be."

The Lord is doing big things in my life...big changes in my personality and how I respond to people and certain situations. Now, change doesn't happen over night, and I know this. My aunt and my uncle are helping me get through this rough patch in my life, and although I didn't want their help at first, I am so grateful to have and aunt and uncle that care care so much about me and talk to me and pray with me. James has things in his life that need to be changed too, things that he knows needs to be worked on before marriage can take place. Together, we are working on these areas. Together we are becoming the man and woman, future husband and wife, that God has called us to be. I see the Lord training and raising up leaders in us. I see James and I doing great things in our future together...but these things can't take place without God's help.

Together, we are walking hand-in-hand through these rough patches and together, we're going to make it.

I encourage, whoever reads this, to let God take control of things in your life that you don't want to let go of. God is a BIG God and He wants us to be mold-able so that He can do an amazing work in our lives. Surrender all things to Him, great or small, and He will take care of them. Sometimes it's chaotic, but the Peace of God will be right there with you, walking with you. Remember, God will never leave nor forsake you :)

Just to clarify....

Mom has moved back to Colorado and is living with a friend of hers. I guess she's going back to school and trying to find a job now. Tanner apparently is moving in with Mom and her friend because he's having a hard time being away from family. It's been about 10 weeks since I have spoken to or seen my Mom because of the choices she has made. My dad is still living with my wonderful Aunt and traveling back and forth, staying with me at my apartment when he's here. Mom and Dad talk every once in a while, just about Tanner and divorce stuff. I really don't know when the divorce is going to be final, but then again, I don't ask.

My Mom seems to think that all Christians that don't agree with what she's doing are hypocritical and we just don't know how to forgive. "DAMNIT, She deserves to be HAPPY!" Those of course are her words. Well, I've been a Christian for a long time, and I don't know anywhere in the Bible where is says that we're called to live a "happy" life. AND, doesn't forgiveness come when you ask for it? Mom has apologized to me, but it was an apology for getting caught. I grew up with my Mom ALWAYS telling me, "Your sin will find you out." And yes, it always did and it always will. I believe that Mom's sin found her out...God had me find things for a reason, and it's those reasons that Mom and I aren't talking.

Anyways, I don't know what my Mom is saying to people, she's probably still telling people that she moved to California because her "laywer told her so," when in fact, she moved there for other, selfish reasons. And she's probably still saying that she "didn't abandon her kids" when in fact, she kicked me out of my own house, and had Tanner move in with a friend, so she can move to California to do what she wanted to do. And then she's probably saying that Tanner is the only one who loves her and forgives her, because he's the only one talking to her right now, when in fact, we ALL love her, but are worried about her. Tanner doens't know the whole truth...and I really don't understand why my Dad hasn't chosen to tell him, but that's none of my business.

I'm not trying to make my Mom look like a horrible person, because she's not in any way, I love her SO much, she just made horrible decisions. She fell into the lies that Satan laid out for her and is still walking in her own ways. At first I was really hesitant to put my blog up for people to read because I didn't want people to know, I wanted to protect my Mom and my family, but I thought about it, and I'm not afraid to let people know what my Mom chose to do, I want people to know the truth so that they can be praying for my Mom, emailing her and encouraging her to do the right thing. Yes, my parents will never be together again (and that sucks really bad), and yes, my Mom and I's relationship will never be the same again (and that sucks really bad too), but Jesus wants to be with her and live each day with her. Please just pray that the darkness flees and the blinds over my Mom's eyes are taken off.

It's been almost three months

And still life goes on without my Mom.

I'm living in my own apartment, which is fun...most of the time. Thankfully I have James who is so understanding and comforting through all the messiness, that he is willing to stay at the apartment at night until I fall asleep so I'm not lonely. It's weird not having my family around, but I'm realizing more and more each day, that with God's strength in me, I can get through anything.

Strength, grace, love, forgiveness...they're all so hard to come by when a person that you love to deeply, takes off and decides to live their own life. But I'm seeing how strong God has made me, my dad, and even Tanner (although he's having such a hard time). I see how gracious the Lord has been with each one of us. How He's there to comfort us, to guide us, and to protect us. The world is an ugly place, and I know this, I've seen how ugly the world is firsthand when I was over in Africa last summer. But now, the ugliness has hit my family and I see how painful it is, but I also see the Lord shining through.

God is good. He is. And He's just waiting for my Mom to come back to Him. And when she does, I'll be waiting there as well, to greet her with open arms, a huge hug, and tears.

I love my Mom.
I miss her.
I miss her so much that it feels like a chunk of my life disappeared. But it's okay.

Life in Christ continues and I await the day to have my best friend back.