New, New, New

So....for those of you who don't know...I have a NEW blog :)

http://comeawaywithautumnrae.blogspot.com/

I started it last month-ish and would LOVE for you to come read it! I try to post a couple times a week.

Thank you all for reading this blog and commenting...I hope you enjoy the new one!

Much Love and Blessings,
Autumn Rae

P.S. I love you....

Five months ago my world came crashing down as the man I fell in love with told me he just couldn’t be with me anymore because of how I was acting and treating him. This all transpired from the fear and anxiety I was living in due to what was going on with my family (note to readers: divorce truly affects ALL areas of life). Not only did I lose a boyfriend that night, but I felt as though I lost my best friend. Who was going to be there to make me laugh? Who was going to be there to hug me when I cried? Did he not love me anymore like he once did? Were we completely over? Two years just…gone? Little did I know that the Lord had it all planned out and He knew what was going to happen just five months down the road.

FAST-FORWARD…March 14^th 2010. Saturday night cooking dinner together and then Sunday, a whole day in Denver together. Who would’ve thunk? I sure didn’t. Everything that took place in the past five months all lead up to, now, a time when love has been renewed…but not only for me, for him as well, and this excites me! I get butterflies in my tummy when I know I’m going to see him, I smile when I see his name come up on my caller ID, I listen closely to the sound of his voice when he speaks, I can’t help but get excited when he grabs my hand. Yes! It’s a new beginning and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And you know what? No one will ever truly understand what we have been through and I love that.

Love truly is a beautiful thing when you allow the Lord to do His will and work everything out in His timing (now, I will be honest and say that for most of the five months I wanted things to happen MY way, but I learned, and I’m still learning…it’s not about me). Last night he looked into my eyes and said, “I love you. You are perfect for me.” His heart is genuine, his love is pure, and I, Autumn Rae, am the girl who gets to rest in knowing that we have an incredible love story that is still unfolding. Wow. Oh, and I get to rest in his arms too…hehe, we love cuddling!

I don’t know what the future holds, let alone tomorrow, BUT I do know that this man has a special place in my heart and that I am falling in love all over again.

P.S. I love you....James

A snapshot in time

So lately my heart and eyes have been drawn to Photography. Any photography, black and white, abstract, people, places, things...you name it. I can sit for hours at my desk looking at photography website after website, blog after blog. There's just something about the simplicity of taking a picture and capturing a moment that, often, words can't describe that has buried it's way into my heart. One day I will own a good camera and capture these moments that have become so dear to me. The moments of pure joy and bliss, friends, laughter, new cities and towns, being outside, and of course, the places and faces I will see when I get to travel the world ;) What a grand day that will be!! But for now, I will enjoy the photographs of others and dream that I am the one behind the lens.


“ I always thought good photos were like good jokes. If you have to explain it, it just isn’t that good." – Anonymous

The NEW has come and I love it

Oh dear me, I haven't written in quite some time again...Haha, I know one of my goals for 2o1o was to blog more, and so far...I'm not doing so well in this area!

It's been almost over a month since my last post and well, needless to say, A LOT has happened in that month. I believe January was one of the hardest months for me to get through. My fears of being abandoned again, being cheated on, and being lied to consumed my innermost being. Fear and anxiety were the only feelings I had and I was choosing to live in this. I was choosing to believe the lies the enemy was feeding me, until I hit rock bottom and new deep down in my heart that I needed to see a counselor. So...hesitantly, I called the counselor James' mom had referred me to and set up my first appointment. Filled with nerves and tension, I poured my heart out to this lady and you know what? Just after the first time of meeting with her, this burden I had been carrying around since I was 10 years old was lifted off me and I could see a light at the end of the tunnel! It was the most incredible feeling I had ever felt. Freedom was right in my grasp and I went after it wholeheartedly. Since then, I have met with her again and that much more weight was lifted off me. And I will continue to meet with her until everything in my heart and mind has been worked through and processed.

It had been 7 months since everything happened with my Mom and for those 7 months, I was numb, stuffed my true feelings and hurt, and told myself I was going to get through it and be fine. Heaven forbid that me, Autumn, the girl going to school for Psychology and wanting to be a counselor one day, would actually have to go see a counselor myself. HA! So silly of me. After this experience, I want to be a counselor that much more. I want to see others live in the freedom that I am living in now...freedom from fear and anxieties and the lies. Believe me when I say that I have had my bad days and those fears have come crawling back to me and I've had to spend time in the Word and prayer rebuking the enemy, but it's those days that have made me that much stronger!

Through this whole process, there was a person who I took for granted and treated terribly and who got the brunt of my fears taken out on him. The one person who I was (and am) in complete love with was the one person who I was pushing away by my thoughts, actions, and words. When I hit rock bottom, it was then that I realized what I was doing and the toll it had taken on him and our relationship. I am pleased, blessed, and so thankful to say that James and I have come together, after a couple weeks of absolutely no contacting each other and devoting ourselves to prayer and fasting for our relationship, and both came to the realization that we truly are in love with each other. Healing has began in our hearts towards each other, and it feels like the Lord wiped the slate clean and gave James and I, both, a new, clear perspective of us as individuals and us as a couple. We're not technically "back in a relationship," but we talk everyday, spend time with each other when we can, and are learning to love each other no matter what the days or weeks bring. I know the Lord has amazing things planned for us, but for now, we're taking it one day at a time and I, personally, am loving it :)

So, there's the update on why I hadn't been blogging...too many other things needed to be focused on!

BUT....I do wanted to give you an update about my goals that I had set before me in this new year and I am SO excited to do so, hehe!

1) Spiritually- I have been spending SO much more time with the Lord and it's been AMAZING! Everyday I make sure to spend at least 30 minutes with Him and I see so much growth in my heart and thinking then ever before. I've also read some incredible books so far. One was called How to Forgive...When You Don't Feel Like It and the other one, which I am finishing up this week is called Your Scars Are Beautiful to God. I would suggest both of them to anyone!! Prayer is huge in my life and really is becoming a part of my DNA, just like I wanted it to become. Oh, and Tuesday nights there is a worship and prayer thing called Revival Town at my church that I started going to and that has just added to the amazingness ;) hehe

2) Academic- School is going really well so far. I decided to lighten up my load a lot this semester so I'm only taking two classes. Math is one, and I never thought I would find myself saying this again, but I am thoroughly enjoying it, haha. Crazy! I know! But I am :) And my other class, which I just L-O-V-E so much is my Ballet class. I said I wanted to "expand my horizons" and I think part of me wants to do that so I can also "get out of my comfort zone," so I signed up for Ballet and I do believe that dance will now be a part of every semester for me! I'm being stretched in more ways than one ;) hehe. My body is getting a great workout, but I'm also meeting some very cool, and very interesting people and I love it! I say...everyone should try it at least once.

3) Personal- Well, I did list a lot in this category and I'm very glad I did! There are a lot of areas I am growing in, but still areas I need more work on...but hey! I'm human and the changes I'd like to see won't come over night ;) But I do have 9 months till the end of the year!

4) Health- YAY! I'm eating again! This changed when my fears and anxiety slowly diminished and I'm regaining my appetite! I know so many people were concerned for my health because of my lack of eating (stress does that to me) but now, I'm eating three meals a day, and trying to gain that weight that I lost. Gaining 10 pounds is my goal so that I look healthy again and people stop asking me if I'm anorexic. Haha

5) FUN! FUN! FUN!- Well, one of my goals was to cook a new and challenging recipe once a month. January, I had too much going on, but February, I stepped it up and.....

BON APPETIT!!! Spinach and Feta cheese stuffed chicken breast, brown rice, and a fresh Strawberry salad with a vinaigrette dressing...with a glass of Chardonnay :) It was so delicious! I cooked it for James and I one night and he loved it as well. Yay! My goal for sewing is still in the works. I need to get the sewing machine from Mom and set up a day with my good friend to start this adventure, so I'm guessing the next month or so, I'll have an update on that! Also, the going new places, I'm sure will start up in the Summer :) Pictures...that I need to get in the habit of just pulling my camera out of my purse and snapping away at those memories.

So there ya go....an update on my, what I feel like is, my NEW life :) Please continue to keep my family in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. Blessings to all who read this long and often boring blog ;)

xoxo

I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

So January 6th, I got the most amazing opportunity to go see Hillsong United in concert. I first found out about it in October and bought tickets AS SOON as they were on sale. I've wanted to see them for so long and they were actually going to be in Colorado! YAY! When the tickets came in the mail, I put them on my fridge, anxiously awaiting the day I would get to use them.

Fast forward to that night.... A snowstorm was supposed to hit, and boy did it when we (James, Tyler, Kaci, Chris, and I) were driving through Denver. The concert started at 7:30 and we weren't sure how long it was going to take us to get there. An hour and a half drive turned into about a three hour drive...I couldn't stand how long it was taking to get there, but I knew it was going to be amazing once we did show up.

FINALLY, the moment arrived, we got in, got our bracelets, and BAM! "Our God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save."

The beating of my heart followed the deep beat of the drum. (my absolute favorite part about any concert, but so much more when it's worship)

Ears ringing with thousands of voices singing his praises.

Singing as loud as I could until my throat was dry.

Because of the storm, about a thousand people didn't get to come for various reasons that had to do with the weather. A part of me is sad that so many people weren't able to make it, but the majority of me is very glad, because the floor (where we were for the concert) wasn't completely full. There was room to dance around, not be squished by other people, and have your arms completely out and not hit anyone.

Brooke Fraser, one of my favorite artists and one the most amazing artists from Hillsong, was there (I was SO excited) and as soon as she started singing, I got down on my knees and in the moment of being lost in pure worship, my eyes filled up with tears, and I knew it was just me and Jesus. I've never had a moment like this before...where it felt as though everyone around me slowly disappeared and it was just me, alone, with Hillsong, in this huge stadium. My heart was moved and everything inside became consumed with the Lord.

THEN...it's like the Lord knew right then and there what I needed to hear..."A thousand times I've failed, Still your mercy remains, And should I stumble again, Still I'm caught in your grace, Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades, Never ending your glory goes beyond all fame, My heart and my soul, Lord I give you control, CONSUME me from the inside out..."

My favorite song. My hearts cry. As I knelt there, arms wide open and heart abandoned, tears falling down my cheek, I knew that the Lord was starting a work in me, He was going to do great things in my heart, He was preparing me for the operation and healing on my angry, bitter, very hurt, unforgiving heart that was taking over my life, my thoughts, my emotions...everything.



And His work has begun.... as of Sunday, January 17th....

Four Little Letters

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine




Love. It's a mystery to me........but I do love the idea of falling in love all over again.

With you.

It's a NEW YEAR!! 2010, here we go....

So, I haven't blogged since October...and I do believe too much has gone on for me to try to catch you up on in just one blog. But I can say this...it has been months of change, growth, hurt, tears, seeing the Lord work, frustration, laughter, learning, "insert foot in mouth" moments (many of them), headaches, no sleep, backaches, not eating, eating too much, FAMILY, amazing friends, The Office, ending school (passing my classes! Praise Jesus), finding joy, FRIENDS, learning that the petty things don't matter in the big scheme of life, and love. phew.

God is a big God and He knows all and works in and through all seasons of life and for that, I am humbled and grateful.

So...2009, was ...um...a rough year...? HA! Okay, more like a crappy year, but it's the past and you can't live in the past, right? Right.

2010 is a NEW year, a better year in my eyes! I'm excited to see how things unfold, how the Lord works, and see His plans play out. My heart jumped with excitement when I re-read that :)

So for 2010, I set some personal goals. I think "resolution" is stupid and overused, so "GOALS" it is...and goals, is in fact what they are.

*clears throat* Ready?

Spiritual
1-Spend more time with the Lord (this tends to be a goal every year and I always fall short...time for some dedication)
2-Find a few good books to read about the Lord, His characteristics, becoming a woman of the Lord, relationships, devotionals, etc. before the end of the year (and to not let school become an excuse not to do so)
3- Journal more...blogging is fun and all, but to have some journal time would be even better
4- Share the love of Jesus with more people. It's the end times people, and Jesus is going to be coming back very soon! I want as many people to know about His love and know His saving hand.
4- PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. In James 5:16 the Holy Spirit states, “The effective, earnest prayer of a righteous man is powerfully effective.” It is amazing what can be accomplished through prayer. Satan hates when we pray and that is something I want to push in his face everyday. I want prayer to become apart of my DNA. Prayer for not only family, loved ones, friends, personal growth, or relationships, but for the government, our leaders, the nations, the sick, the orphans, and the widows.

Academic
1- Study harder in school this next semester...concentrate more on the classes then on things going on
2- DO NOT PROCRASTINATE...ha...we'll see how this one goes...
3- Get better at actually attending class and not make up excuses for not going
4- Not only study hard in the classes I'll be taking, but EXPAND MY HORIZONS! Yes, this is big. I want to learn more about business, different ministries and churches, insurance, real estate, the government, politics, philosophy, art, and music, gosh...the list can go on and on. But I want to be a well-rounded woman, and in this day and age, it's a good thing to be well-rounded ;)

Personal
1- Do not argue (good tip and lesson from my wonderful grandma)
2- Do not let fear and anxiety take over my thoughts or actions (PRAYER comes in handy here)
3- Be more logical, less emotional
4- Think before I speak. "Slow to speak, quick to hear"
5- Work on tone of voice, sarcasm, and words that can be hurtful
6- Compliment others more often
7- Befriend those that need friends
8- Get out of my comfort zone more often. Meet new people everywhere I go!
9- Have a better attitude at work and even, possibly, try a new area..like volunteering
10- Don't put high expectations on people , as they are humans and will fail, but be pleasantly surprised when they exceed my expectations
11- LOVE. Show love, speak love, encourage in love, let the love of the Lord shine through. Love selflessly, expecting nothing in return.
12- Don't let the little things get to me (it's not worth it...good life lesson that I learned while in CA for Christmas...life is just too short to let the little, petty things turn into huge, big things)
13- Smile more. Laugh more. Find joy in the small things (like getting a blender...that made me so happy, thank you Dad!).
14- Have hope. Hope and trust in the Lord completely...then from there I can learn to trust others.

Health
1- Eat. But not only just eat more, eat healthy. More whole grains, organic, veggies, fruits, fish, etc. Less-to-NO frozen lunches during the week!
2- Get into the routine of taking vitamins
3- EXERCISE. Oy...this one will be hard. Do you realize HOW MANY people say this every year and it only lasts about 3-5 months and WHAM, they're back to their lazy American selves? *sigh* Yoga always interested me, so I think this is the time to start. Or even just getting out and walking or jogging. HA...we'll see how this one goes too!

FUN FUN FUN
This is the part I have been anxiously awaiting to write about! I need more fun, more adventure, more laughter, just more :) Not that I'm not satisfied with life, but there can always be more! LIFE IS SHORT...remember!

1- Learn to cook! Last night I went to Barnes & Noble (favorite store, ever) and got the Food Lovers Companion. I have dedicated myself to learn at least, minimum, one new and challenging meal every month for the year of 2010. This is going to be SO much fun! Oh, and learn more about wines and drinks to go along with different meals...yes!
2- Learn to sew!! Eek, I am so excited for this one. I just want to learn the basics and try to find a sewing machine on craigslist for a good price. Thankfully, my dear friend Savannah has become quite the seamstress and has offered to help me learn :) New summer skirts and dresses...HERE I COME!
3- Go new places...ADVENTURE. I live in one of the most beautiful states and have only seen a very, very small portion of it. I want to get into the habit of, when there is nothing going on on a Saturday or even Sunday, get in the car and drive somewhere new. A new city, new town, new hiking trails, you name it. I'd like to see at least 5 new places this year! And that means, even if it's "get in the car yourself Autumn and have an adventure day, just you and the road, DO IT!"
4- Try a few new restaurants this year...new ethnic foods or even just going to a new place to eat. Nothing like eating at new places!!
5- Do more crafts. Like scrapbooking crafts, painting crafts, picture frame crafts, even sewing crafts...Let the creative juices flow! Thank you Mrs. Roy for encouraging me in this area!
6- Take more pictures. Pictures tell stories and are memories that last a lifetime. I want to share all the memories I can with my children, grandchildren, and so on!


*deep breath* I know...it's a lot...

I once was told that I could never fulfill all my ambitions because they were too much for me. Lies from the pit I say. I may be ambitious and have some pretty big goals, but like I said, life is too short and I caught just a glimpse of this when I was in California over Christmas break.
Will I fulfill all of them? Probably not, but that's okay. If I can touch on all of them, that would be good enough for me :)

2010 will be a better year than last...I think any year will be a better year than 2009, but this is the year I have chosen, yes, CHOSEN to make change in my thinking, in my heart, and in my mind. It's just time. Life is beautiful, life is wonderful, life is what you make of it...and I want to make the best of it!

Be blessed this new year friends...more blogs to come! I have to keep you updated on my new adventures I'll be taking this year! hehe

xoxo

Whatever You're Doing Inside of Me

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out -Sanctus Real


This song has been on my heart and mind for the past weekend. Thursday night, things were said to me by a person that I love more than anything and it was things, that of course, I didn't want to hear. Who wants to hear that their not doing well in certain areas of life? Well, I didn't want to hear it at all. So, in my defense I got upset and yelled and screamed and lashed out in a very inappropriate way, almost losing my relationship. The following two days I spent on my knees in my apartment listening to this song over and over and over again, reading the Word, and crying out to the Lord about these things that I need to change. Personality traits that have really got to go. My prayer went a little something like this....

"Lord, I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm failing the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Lord, there are things in me that need changing...my attitude, my negativity, my tone of voice, how I react in situations I don't like. Jesus, transform me into the women, the wife, the mom that you want me to be. Show me how to love like you and to show love through every part of me."

As I was crying my eyes out, this song came on..."Whatever You're doing, inside of me, it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace..." I sang it over and over again, on my knees, "Lord, You're doing things in my and growing me in areas that I don't want to be grown in, and it hurts, and I don't like it, but at the same time, I know You're doing it for a reason and I know that you're transforming me into the woman you want me to be."

The Lord is doing big things in my life...big changes in my personality and how I respond to people and certain situations. Now, change doesn't happen over night, and I know this. My aunt and my uncle are helping me get through this rough patch in my life, and although I didn't want their help at first, I am so grateful to have and aunt and uncle that care care so much about me and talk to me and pray with me. James has things in his life that need to be changed too, things that he knows needs to be worked on before marriage can take place. Together, we are working on these areas. Together we are becoming the man and woman, future husband and wife, that God has called us to be. I see the Lord training and raising up leaders in us. I see James and I doing great things in our future together...but these things can't take place without God's help.

Together, we are walking hand-in-hand through these rough patches and together, we're going to make it.

I encourage, whoever reads this, to let God take control of things in your life that you don't want to let go of. God is a BIG God and He wants us to be mold-able so that He can do an amazing work in our lives. Surrender all things to Him, great or small, and He will take care of them. Sometimes it's chaotic, but the Peace of God will be right there with you, walking with you. Remember, God will never leave nor forsake you :)

Just to clarify....

Mom has moved back to Colorado and is living with a friend of hers. I guess she's going back to school and trying to find a job now. Tanner apparently is moving in with Mom and her friend because he's having a hard time being away from family. It's been about 10 weeks since I have spoken to or seen my Mom because of the choices she has made. My dad is still living with my wonderful Aunt and traveling back and forth, staying with me at my apartment when he's here. Mom and Dad talk every once in a while, just about Tanner and divorce stuff. I really don't know when the divorce is going to be final, but then again, I don't ask.

My Mom seems to think that all Christians that don't agree with what she's doing are hypocritical and we just don't know how to forgive. "DAMNIT, She deserves to be HAPPY!" Those of course are her words. Well, I've been a Christian for a long time, and I don't know anywhere in the Bible where is says that we're called to live a "happy" life. AND, doesn't forgiveness come when you ask for it? Mom has apologized to me, but it was an apology for getting caught. I grew up with my Mom ALWAYS telling me, "Your sin will find you out." And yes, it always did and it always will. I believe that Mom's sin found her out...God had me find things for a reason, and it's those reasons that Mom and I aren't talking.

Anyways, I don't know what my Mom is saying to people, she's probably still telling people that she moved to California because her "laywer told her so," when in fact, she moved there for other, selfish reasons. And she's probably still saying that she "didn't abandon her kids" when in fact, she kicked me out of my own house, and had Tanner move in with a friend, so she can move to California to do what she wanted to do. And then she's probably saying that Tanner is the only one who loves her and forgives her, because he's the only one talking to her right now, when in fact, we ALL love her, but are worried about her. Tanner doens't know the whole truth...and I really don't understand why my Dad hasn't chosen to tell him, but that's none of my business.

I'm not trying to make my Mom look like a horrible person, because she's not in any way, I love her SO much, she just made horrible decisions. She fell into the lies that Satan laid out for her and is still walking in her own ways. At first I was really hesitant to put my blog up for people to read because I didn't want people to know, I wanted to protect my Mom and my family, but I thought about it, and I'm not afraid to let people know what my Mom chose to do, I want people to know the truth so that they can be praying for my Mom, emailing her and encouraging her to do the right thing. Yes, my parents will never be together again (and that sucks really bad), and yes, my Mom and I's relationship will never be the same again (and that sucks really bad too), but Jesus wants to be with her and live each day with her. Please just pray that the darkness flees and the blinds over my Mom's eyes are taken off.

It's been almost three months

And still life goes on without my Mom.

I'm living in my own apartment, which is fun...most of the time. Thankfully I have James who is so understanding and comforting through all the messiness, that he is willing to stay at the apartment at night until I fall asleep so I'm not lonely. It's weird not having my family around, but I'm realizing more and more each day, that with God's strength in me, I can get through anything.

Strength, grace, love, forgiveness...they're all so hard to come by when a person that you love to deeply, takes off and decides to live their own life. But I'm seeing how strong God has made me, my dad, and even Tanner (although he's having such a hard time). I see how gracious the Lord has been with each one of us. How He's there to comfort us, to guide us, and to protect us. The world is an ugly place, and I know this, I've seen how ugly the world is firsthand when I was over in Africa last summer. But now, the ugliness has hit my family and I see how painful it is, but I also see the Lord shining through.

God is good. He is. And He's just waiting for my Mom to come back to Him. And when she does, I'll be waiting there as well, to greet her with open arms, a huge hug, and tears.

I love my Mom.
I miss her.
I miss her so much that it feels like a chunk of my life disappeared. But it's okay.

Life in Christ continues and I await the day to have my best friend back.

Father Let This Pass From Me

I'm sitting here at work on a slow Friday morn, listening to Leeland and The Glorious Unseen. My heart was provoked by the Lord to read the Bible, which I haven't been doing and now realize that I need to more than ever before.

Mom leaves next weekend to move to California to be with Michael and to start a new life...pretty much. Things have gone from bad to worse, from worse to horrible. I see that Satan has his hand print all over this situation and makes me tremble that he has worked his way into my family. I've seen firsthand how when you let your guard down for one moment, Satan attacks. I know he's here to "steal, kill, and destroy," and I see that present here in my family. In a moment of weakness, my Mom let the enemy come in. It's scary to me and I know that the only one who can save her and save relationships that have been broken is the one who CONQUERED death and the grave; the One who bore the weight of the world.

James chapter 1 says to "Count it all joy when we fall into various trials, because you know the testing of your faith will produce patience." I live this scripture so much because it's SO true. I feel my faith being tested, my boat being rocked, my world being turned upside down. This is a test that I have yet to pass, that I can only pass with the Lord's strength, mercy, peace, and guidance.

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." verse 19+20 in James chapter 1 states. This is what I need right now. To be quick to listen to the hearts of my brother and Father, and yes, even my Mom, even though we're not talking currently; but more importantly, I need to be quick to hear the words of the Lord and what he's trying to tell me through all of this. I need to be slow to speak, for my desire is to have the Lord's words flow from my mouth. This can't happen when I'm talking all the time and not letting Him speak through me. And slow to become angry, which I'm finding to be really hard at this present time. There are so many questions that I don't have answers to and so many things I don't understand, which makes me so angry, so quickly. I don't want to be filled with anger and resentment towards my mom and her decisions, so LORD, please help me with these three areas. Help me to be quick to listen to the hearts of people around me, my family, and most importantly, YOU Jesus. Lord, grant me the patience to be slow to speak. I pray that from this day forward, it would be your words that flow out from my mouth. And Jesus, help me not be angry. Help me not be upset at my Mom for the choices she's deciding to make. It's so hard, but with YOUR help, I know I can conquer this weakness. Thank you Jesus for being the only one who will never leave or forsake me. Wrap YOUR arms around my dad and brother, give them peace and strength, trust, and complete HOPE in you! Show me how to be the woman that you want me to be Father in Heaven. Thank you! I love you Jesus and I love that YOU know what's going to come out of all of this mess.

I'm new to this

I'm new to the blogging world. The idea of blogging has been in the back of my head for months, but have done nothing with it. I decided, since I don't journal or write anything, I should at least take the time to type my thoughts out on the computer....since I am on the computer 8-10 hours a day. Haha...I hate that I'm on the computer for that many hours, but what can I do?

The answer...

Blog.

Sounds simple enough. But will I really stick to it and follow through with this "new" side of me?

I guess only time will tell :)

This is all for now....more to come later!

-Me